barely awake at this point

wanting more

heart of gold — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 04:37:50 +0000

someone special, that’s what you are. I will try to not delete this. (I know I will look back and read this and it will not sound like a strong independant woman wrote it.)

When I think about someone special I try to remember being held close and touched gently. I think about the most tender man I know, and you didn’t even know it was you. It’s so true that it’s almost painful to acknowledge it. I wonder how I lived so long without it. I wonder how I still go to bed each night alone.

When I think about you , I can breathe. My lungs never held more air than when I entertain the thought of your arms around me. But you have made me no promises. If I were smarter I wouldn’t let myself feel this way still. I would have guarded my heart better, but I was foolish and did not.

When am I guarding my heart and when am I giving up hope? I want to think I am just letting myself open to any good thing that could possibly happen, but many foolish broken hearten girls have told them self the same thing.

When I asked for your company, you said no (I felt hurt). You said it was difficult to say no, but you seemed steadfast in your resolve. You didn’t appear to struggle too much with it. I drove away and wondered what I meant to you. I’m at a different place in life, I’m no longer where you are now. Your “no”, made not seeing you more palatable. I hate that because I want more. Damn it, I did it again. What I should have said was that I’d like more, but I want nothing except what you wish to give me.

Corn Maze

heart of gold — Mon, 22 Oct 2007 04:56:17 +0000

Today was the annual church corn maze service at Brookedale Farms. The 3 little ones were with their dad and Ashley went with me. Her friend and his mom met us there. I enjoyed talking with his mom. Ashley also seemed to enjoy the evening. We started the maze before 7pm but were in the maze until almost 8pm and it was getting dark. It was dark. But the moon was a waxing gibbous and 75% full. We could see well enough from it to get around. The four of us were moderately successful, but oh how I longed to have a friend there with me, a good friend. The moonlit maze, the cold night air, the smell of a campfire, and a warm hand to hold would have been perfect. I turned 38 yesterday, I wonder if I’ll ever stand in a moonlit cornfield with man that is so thrilled to be there with me that he has to hold me close. My heart almost aches to think about it, so I won’t.

So many other good things happened today… , it was 80 degrees and sunny outside, the X treated me decently today, I took a well deserved nap, made a good dinner, finished some homework and had my nightly chat with the bear whisperer. Oh, how I do look forward to that. How I look forward to not wanting more than a person is able to give. It’s almost as much fun as having my heart broken, but not quite.

I’m listening to Peter Gabriel now… and it reminds me

accepting all i’ve done and said
I want to stand and stare again
Til there’s nothing left out, oh
It remains there in your eyes
Whatever comes and goes
I will hear your silent call
I will touch this tender wall
Til I know I’m home again

love I get so lost, sometimes
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
when I want to run away
I drive off in my car
but whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are

all my instincts, they return
and the grand fascade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
the heat I see in your eyes

love, I don’t like to see so much pain
so much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

and all my instincts, they return
and the grand fascade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

Laughing Cancer in the Face

heart of gold — Wed, 17 Oct 2007 03:23:30 +0000

I thought the kids loved acorn squash baked with butter and brown sugar. Lindsey and Emily beg me to buy it when they are at the store with me. Ashley and Sarah had the following conversation during dinner.

Ashley: I had this squash so many times last fall I thought I’d get sick if I ate it again.

Sarah: Remember the time mom burned the grilled cheese sandwich and Dad said she was trying to give him cancer?

Ashley: Well, I guess Aunt Vicki is not like dad at all. She looks cancer in the face and laughs… oh wait… no…… she’s just opening her mouth for a hot dog.

I guess you had to be at a certain family summer cook out to appreciate that. I told a friend, he laughed.

Vinyards to Vampires

heart of gold — Fri, 05 Oct 2007 01:24:16 +0000

This morning in bed I was imaging that being in a vineyard on a hillside with the morning fog is about the greatest way to start the day. It was so hard to get up. 6AM is such a cruel hour. Today Sascha described a beautiful vineyard in Germany. It was breathtaking. He sent me a link. I’m jealous.

On vacation in Athens, Greece I visited a vineyard for wine tasting. I had way too much fun! At some point in the evening a colleague had a towel around my waist and we danced for hours. My husband was furious with me, I tried to explain.. “When in Rome, do as the Romans do.” yeah, he disagreed with that one. That was the night before we flew home. Needless to say that was a LOOOOONG flight home.

Vineyards are a metaphor for life. You need to keep things orderly. Tie up the loose ends. Don’t be afraid to get your hands dirty. If you don’t tend to it, you will have nothing of value. Cutting out the dead parts will allow you to produce more fruit. I did some pruning last year. It takes time, and if you do it well, you will produce something magnificent. I feel like I am a great wine, I get better with age. I am a 1969 vintage.

When the kids got home, I had a nice laugh. Ashley is so cute. She said it disturbed her that she can continue a conversation about computers with her friends (intelligent male friends)… and she added that it was a conversation that SHE probably started. The boys thought it was funny that she named all 4 of her Final Fantasy characters Ashley, she just thought they kept asking her.. Name? over and over. But then she deleted them and named them Edward, Emmit, Jasper, and Alice… for obvious reasons. =

Vinyards to Vampires

heart of gold — Fri, 05 Oct 2007 00:37:45 +0000

weatherproofing with caulk & wood screws

heart of gold — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 17:36:06 +0000

caulk…. $1.79, small assortment of screws… 1.49, weatherproofing advice… free

look on the guys face when I say I need some caulk, a few long screws, and some advice… priceless

This morning I just wanted to weatherproof a few windows and a loose screen door jam, and now I’m a filthy ho. And I’m not sure I’m welcome back in the ACE Hardware store either. I said “weather stripping” not “whether I’ll-be stripping”

Firefox is the foxiest!!

heart of gold — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 16:50:12 +0000

ScribeFire! If you don’t have it, you should. It is a Firefox extension for a seamless transition from browsing to blogging. Ok, maybe I’m the only one that wouldn’t do more than click on a tool bar button to blog, but now there is no reason. Yay!!!

And now you can win 2 free ipod nanos just for… I’m just kidding. But this was starting to sound like a commercial.

8-)

heart of gold — Sun, 29 Apr 2007 07:37:52 +0000

I’m such a baby! boo hoo Get over it Lisa!!!

It’s after 3am and I can’t sleep again. *cry* I have no trouble thinking about you. I miss you. Funny, I was looking at eyeglasses and trying them on recently, and I vividly remembered fumbling around for while one time and then your glasses were missing. We both started looking for them! PANIC.. your new glasses.. where were they? we looked frantically all over and then discovered YOU were wearing them!!! and we both laughed so hard. It’s a funny story that I can’t tell anyone, not even you. Seemed like we had things figured out for a while. It is amusing how simple life seems when you hear someone say, “I love you.” But I love you means nothing other than ‘you’ve left you guard down’.

Things are OK here, but I can’t help wondering if you’ll be alright. You said talking to me brought you back from the ledge. Honestly I like the ledge and peeking over it to see what is out there.

“In psychology, psychological projection is a defense mechanism in which one attributes to others one’s own unacceptable or unwanted thoughts or/and emotions. Projection reduces anxiety by allowing the expression of the unwanted subconscious impulses/desires without letting the ego recognize them.” –Frued

Bearing that in mind, you said you had a dream once and I had completely disappeared from your life again without a trace, did you realize that would be a choice you made? Did you want to rescue me because you needed rescued? In the psyc test, I saw a white china tea cup that I washed and put away and you said the cup in the woods was made out of paper and you threw it in the trash. (representing quality and value of the relationship). I wonder when you complained of your emotional baggage, commitments, and uncertain plans for the future if you were really complaining about mine. You said you were destroying your family. Do you think I destroyed my family?

Projection is a funny thing, we all do it. Lest we ever forget the words of Dr. Phil, “It’s like my daddy would always say, there’s somethin’ about that ‘ol boy that I don’t like about myself.” Gotta love the Phil-ster

heart of gold — Fri, 06 Oct 2006 06:44:03 +0000

Wall Mart

heart of gold — Fri, 06 Oct 2006 06:38:23 +0000

I think I will put up some walls this month. A few cold stone walls would be nice. Enough to resist the winds of change and block out any ray of hope. And maybe a moat, filled with alligators! *sigh* who wouldn’t want a moat?

On a lighter note… I have a new theme for my teaching simile paper. The last one, “teaching is like putting out a campfire with a gasoline soaked towel”, is not going to work.

2 things you never want to hear your teacher say:

~Well this job would be great if it wasn’t for the students.

~You don’t need a teacher, you need a priest!